Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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