I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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