i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
