how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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