omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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