Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
