all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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