he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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