you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
