Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
