she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
