This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
third nipple confirmed
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
