Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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