I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
