i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
