even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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