Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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