I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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