I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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