life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
