It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
