Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
