I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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