nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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