You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
