Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
