the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
