A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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