Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
