Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
