wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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