There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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