Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
