My underwear smells like fireworks.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
