Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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