This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
