Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
