im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Nobody cheats on THIS.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
