I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Are my feet made of real feet?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
