Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
