I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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