It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
