I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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