I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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