Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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