I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?