did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.