***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?