I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
