bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
