Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
