This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
