I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
