you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
