Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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