I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
