dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
