she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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