wrigley field is MILF paradise
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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